Philip Michael Thomas – Psyched Out by Psychics (and being a side-kick)

Okay, Thomas has had a good run and by all accounts, still has a decent career. I’m sure he’ll step out again somewhere when we aren’t expecting him. However (there’s always a however on this blog), three things truly sucked about his career. One is Miami Vice; the other is his, ah, recording career, and finally his foray into the Psychic Readers’ Network. Here’s why:

Miami Vice – Don Johnson’s side order of Ricardo Tubbs. Let’s face facts: no one was into this dude on Vice. Women didn’t watch it to see Tubbs looking tubby. Women liked Johnson. Heck, he even started a coast to coast fashion trend among men with the sneakers, light cotton suits and rolled-up sleeves (tee-hee). Well, it was the 80’s. We learn a lot in retro(pun)spect. People remember Thomas of course however it’s always with a mix of pity and a yawn. Vice just wasn’t his long-suit (another pun). He acted well. He just didn’t rate. I read an article once (not a blog – this was the early 90’s) by a reporter who stated when she went to interview Thomas he was all over her, showing off this and that about his acting and treating her a foot massage and tea and scones, and what have you. Later at some sort of celeb party he acted like he didn’t know her. She stated how odd that was but perhaps that was how some celebrities acted. Frankly I can’t help but think Thomas was so sick of being in Johnson’s shadow that he went all out when a reporter came to see him so he’d get a terrific write-up. After that, show’s over folks!

The Psychic Readers’ Network: Really? Seriously? Was Thomas that low on funds? What did he do with the money he made on Vice? Spend it all on the Don Johnson look? I mean who the hell becomes a spokesperson for something that utterly phony and fraudulent? Seriously, that network (now known as Traffix Inc) rips so many people out of their hard-earned money it’s vile. There’s a special spot in hell for those fakes, put money on it (oops – maybe not). It’s a known fact that people who work for “psychic” phone lines are given a script to use when people call in for advice. They receive hours of training to know how to respond to, um, awkward questions. I can’t believe Network didn’t kill Thomas’ acting career. Then again, that’s probably the best acting he ever did in his life.

Recording Career: In 1985, Thomas recorded a music album titled Living the Book of My Life. Personally I like reggae and he has a good voice however (there’s always a however in this blog) it sold poorly and failed to produce a hit single. That tune really is bad. Besides we know Johnson released a song or two before Thomas (Heartbeat). it was lousy, too…very…80s American like something you’d see in a really bad teenage movie. Anyway. This isn’t about Johnson….yet. Could Thomas’ brief recording career be a coincidence, an influence, or just an embarrassment (maybe all three)? Perhaps he should have recorded Reading the Palm of Your Hand. Thomas followed up in 1988 with a second album, Somebody. It also failed to produce a hit and sold poorly. As a matter of fact his current net worth is $2.7 million. Compare that with $1 billion for Justin Bieber, $25 million for Michael Jackson and $30 million for, you guessed it, Don Johnson. Is this bad investing or a lackluster career? 

Last off he did a voice-over in the video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (another cazy coincidence). He’s much more handsome now than he ever was as a young man, no question. The wisdom of his years have given him an attractive distinction, well, from what I know of his career. His personal life could be another matter entirely…

 

 

 

Jon Lydon – aka Johnny Rotten with a Rotten, Ruined Reputation

I never could understand what Jon Lydon was – as a performer or a person.  However, I believe his verbal attacks against shocked fans and reporters, and his early, erratic, spitting performances as a Sex Pistol have ultimately revealed his true persona: psychotic.  Lydon is beyond words, an irony for the subject of a blog, considering he wields them so wickedly at people who do not deserve his abuse (does anyone)? Lydon seems to think this distinguishes him and sets him apart, a rebel who tells it like it is (in his reality zone). Then, egad!, 30 years after the dissolution of the Sex Pistols, his haggard face has reappeared in the coolest venue ever: Country Life Butter commercials. He farts about the English countryside and an $8 million sell-out. (Would I have done the commercial for 8 mill? Yes, but I haven’t spent 30 years trashing everyone else for their “commercialism”). Clearly, his finances are in a pickle and no one is offering him a singing job (since he couldn’t sing anyway). And Lydon still has the nerve to crash his way unwanted up the red carpet in L.A., throwing his weight around and ranting about nothing. He’s turned into the turd he would have hated when he was young and had a few bucks, pretending to attend an awards show without realizing it was for the Pistols. He would prefer to be at a pub around the corner. So why not leave? Then again, the pub owner’s happy he pulled a no-show.

“I think Green Day fucking stink. I think they’re the biggest fake (??) artists I have ever seen.” Lydon shrieks at a reporter about a poster he has hung in his home. He’s mocking GD for being stuck in the punk era, although GD didn’t exist then. He’s angry because they swore “we’ll never change” with fame, what he believes to be a lie. See anything of yourself in the band, Lydon? He still introduces himself as Jon Rotten. Is he kidding? Johnny Rotten died after the Pistols (who only made one album) and his early years with Public Image Limited (PIL). He claimed that he moved out of the punk era and this was what prevented him from becoming washed up. Then why not move out of the spotlight entirely and accept the fact that he, like many singers and screamers of the 70s and early 80s, has had his day. He’s an aging rebel-wannabe (he’s got nothing left to rebel against except his own reality). He stated he wasn’t allowed to make music until he made enough money to pay down debts. Enter Country Life. What annoyed him about Madonna? It “drove [him] nuts” when she went to England and pretended to be British. Naturally, phony people piss him off.

Eminem has nothing on Lydon where sexism goes. I’d love to see those two sing a merry olde duet. “When a man is talking do not interrupt!” he snarls at a pretty, young interviewer. If a man was talking, that is.

 

The Lovely, Lost, Late Lisa Robin Kelly

Do you still watch those tired reruns of That 70s Show starring Ashton Kutcher. The show was always kind of stupid and Kutcher made it even worse. I dislike that man intensely for reasons too numerous to mention here. Anyhow this blog is dedicated to Lisa Robin Kelly, (Laurie Forman), the gorgeous blonde promiscuous sister of Eric Forman. She was that quintessential copy of Farrah Fawcett that every girl in America wanted to be. She was the girl that every boy in high school wanted to date and many girls hated just because she was hot. There must have been a few like that in your high school too.

Ironically a girl named Laurie was the incredible blonde bombshell in my high school. Her hair was naturally platinum blonde, she had a pin-up girl figure and many boys in the school dissed her because they knew they didn`t stand a chance. Anyhow.

Lisa made her debut in a brief exchange with Christina Applegate in a 1992 episode of Married… with Children entitled “Kelly Doesn’t Live Here Anymore“, launching her television career. She appeared in 1997 in the episode, Charmed and Silk Stalkings Lisa lasted for 5 seasons on 70s. She was written out  in an episode where Laurie Forman left home to go to beauty school. In reality, Lisa was heavily addicted to crack cocaine and had a drinking problem. The producers insisted she enter rehab for 6 weeks but she was fired in 2002. She briefly returned to the show in the fifth season in four episodes, but was replaced with Christina Moore in the sixth season. Lisa`s last role onscreen was in the 2005 film The Food Chain: A Hollywood Scarytale.

In August 2010, Lisa was arrested in North Carolina on a charge of driving under the influence. In November 2010, she pleaded guilty, was fined and sentenced to 12 months unsupervised probation.  On March 31, 2012, Lisa was arrested on a felony charge of corporal injury upon a spouse, and was released on $50,000 bail. The charge was based on a complaint filed by her ex-boyfriend, John Michas. She later made public statements saying that she was the one who had been assaulted, and denied Michas’ claim that she assaulted him

MacKenzie Phillips who was Julie Horvath on One Day at a Time is another actress who was fired for her drug addiction. During the show’s third season in 1977, Phillips was arrested for public drunkenness and possession of cocaine. Because of her drug and alcohol abuse, Phillips began arriving late and was incoherent for rehearsals. The producers ordered her to take a six-week break to overcome her addiction. In 1980, she was fired from the show. In recent years Phillips informed the press that she was her father`s victim of incest for years beginning at age 11. That would explain the drug addiction.

Between 2012 – 2013 Lisa was arrested for a variety of crimes including DUIs and spousal abuse. Her life was in a downward spiral. At time of a 2012 arrest she had just suffered a miscarriage. On Good Morning America Lisa admitted she had a miscarriage as a result of her drinking. “I had lost a baby, as a result of that, I lost everything,” she said at the time. “And I was abusing alcohol, which I no longer do.” 

During 2013 Lisa was barely recognizable. Alcohol had taken its toll. She looked years older than she was and it was hard to believe she was a celebrity. Suddenly Lisa died on the evening of August 14, 2013, at the Pax House substance abuse facility in Altadena, California. Her manager Craig Wyckoff said Lisa voluntarily checked herself into the facility several days earlier to receive treatment. The cause of her death was not immediately known. The LA Coroners office is waiting on tests to come back. Sources have said she overdosed. Other sources are saying that she passed away in her sleep from cardiac arrest. What a waste.

Axl Rose -, Absurd, Awkward, Absolutely Assinine, Awful, XXL Rose

name:  Axl Rose
occupation:  Big Year Blimp and former frontman for GNR I

I saw this picture of Axl Rose on Yahoo tonight that nearly made me chuck my cookies (irony). Axl Rose must weigh in at a hefty 250lbs, easy, and none of it is muscle. I couldn’t believe my eyes. You must understand my shock and horror. I loved this man. He was my

idol for 20 years. I was all of 21 when GNR hit the big time with Appetite. The first song I ever heard the band play and Axl (the Angel) sing was Sweet Child O Mine. I was at a nightclub and had just come back from the dead. I’d suffered a wicked bout of mononucleosis and I’d been hospitalized for 8 days. It wasn’t for weeks that I ventured back into the world to party, and a girlfriend of mine and I went to a happening little club when I first heard Axl sing.

I remember thinking “my God! Who has that beautiful voice? And who wrote those angelic lyrics?” I wanted to marry Axl Rose, and that was without seeing him yet – a skinny, pretty-faced boy from Lafayette. I was staggered when someone told me I looked like his wife, Erin Everly. Darn it. If only I’d lived 20,000 miles south, who knows what Might Have Been? Anyway. Have you ever heard a wounded coyote cry? It would appear that Axl has not only eaten all the lard in his pantry in recent months, he has somehow managed to destroy that golden voice. He can’t pitch the notes and he can’t sing them anymore.  At least he can’t disappoint GNR II: they suck. Their sound is acoustic, tinny, pathetic. In concert, they butchered Jungle so as to render it unrecognizable. “It’s gonna bring you down. Ha!” Axl barked and gasped. True that.

Axl is such a sad, wallowing, (fat) shadow of his former self that I can’t bear to reflect on him. When he made his comeback in 2006 or thereabouts, critics then were astonished at how he’d changed: definitely heavier, dreadful and  entirely unnecessary plastic surgery on his once-beautiful face, and bizarre, woolen cornrows all combined to make him look like Carrot Top‘s older, saner brother, rather than the rock icon of the 80‘s. However, over time, his face seemed to settle from that tight, plastic mask into something more realistic and almost handsome, and it was relatively easy to overlook the cornrows when he belted out Welcome to the Jungle. He still had the Voice. Now when he has the chance to sit his old self down, and play the piano, Axl’s vocals make me cringe. Speaking of Voice, please Axl, promise me you will never guest star as a judge on The Voice. When you can’t keep up to incoming talent, you really have no business judging and bringing them down.

He huffs and puffs his way through a concert.. He frequently takes a breather between lines and has to pick up several beats behind. Yet thousands upon thousands of fans pack stadiums worldwide to see this man!  He entertains a young, new audience now, which is wholly unexpected. Very few stars of yesteryear appeal to the Y generation (as in y would anyone go see GNR II?), but somehow GNR II and Axl have cracked the code. I don’t know how many fans my age from his early, hot years attend his concerts but I suspect the number is few compared to the 20-year-olds. This isn’t due to the current Axl Rose. His ongoing fame is a tribute to the earlier, hotter, talented Axl, who could rip up a stage with his body and voice. He was a serious shit-disturber in his personal life, and unpredictably unstable onstage. Somehow, those antics added a racy edge to his bad-boy image and lured in more and more groupies, fans, and admirers. Now Axl can barely waddle his way around stage. He often stops and leans again an amplifier for leverage while gasping for air. Seriously.

Axl is so god-almighty obese and unhealthy that he walks with a cane when he isn’t onstage. That’s no surprise: he looks unsteady without it onstage and that probably accounts for the amplifier assistance. Of course, when he released the utterly banal Chinese Democracy (no surprise there), everyone knew it was over. He was a wash-up after GNR broke up in the mid-1990s. There was no official announcement. Axl fired band members, or they quietly resigned. Slash hasn’t spoken to Axl since 1996 – seventeen years. Slash stated he and Axl didn’t exchange words. Slash was offered the opportunity to sign a new contract with Axl’s band, GNR II. This was no longer an equal footing, not an eager young band bringing a shared interest to the table. This was all about Axl, take it or leave it. Sensibly, Slash left it.

For reasons known only to himself and his publicist (who should be fired), Axl made his first television interview appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live, in 20 years. He was charming and witty, and dressed in one of his middle-aged Axl get-ups that actually worked 3 years ago when he still had a good bod. When he spoke, his padded cheeks made him slur. Sad.  Yet the audience screamed and whooped for several minutes after he walked onto the set. When Axl took his seat, Kimmel remarked “I’m excited.” In spite of the advancing years, the hefty pounds, the thinning hair, the broken voice, people love him. I’m convinced they simply Use their Illusion and worship the Axl of old (irony). He manages to cloak himself in that invincibility, almost as tightly as the Paddington Bear yellow raincoat he wore in a pitiful effort to hide his weight, during a 2012 concert in Rio. 

Although I used to love him, Axl has always been an audacious, self-centered turd. In the 1990s, when hot Axl and GNR I rocked out, Axl caused a major riot during a Montreal, Canada performance, after he threw down his microphone and walked offstage. A major riot ensued, resulting in $100,000.00 of damages: police cars were overturned, bottles were thrown at buildings, fans assaulted one another. Later in interviews, Axl claimed it wasn’t the band’s fault (certainly wasn’t) but the fans wanted a show, regardless of “technical difficulties” (so it’s the fans’ fault). In reality, Axl the A-hole, felt upstaged when mere minutes before, Metallica, who opened for GNR, had to cancel their show after James Hedfield burned his arm and couldn’t perform. Such was the stunning psychosis of Axl Rose’s ego. He lied to reporters and, being at the peak of his career; nothing could stop that train. Well, almost nothing. At the same time, he’d criticize Kurt Cobain for thinking he was “too good and too cool.” When you’re 20 or 30-something with a gorgeous voice and a kick-ass stage performance, you can do that sort of thing if that’s what does it for you.

Sounds mean? Ask Slash what he thinks of Axl and GNR II when Axl stumbled and fell over his own feet during a concert while placing one foot on an amplifier. He can’t do that simple classic Axl move anymore; it throws off his balance. Oh, Ax. Or is it XXL? Still, Axl keeps on waddling and puffing in front of millions of fans because somehow, he still has them. They keep giving him reason to believe that he de man, when clearly, his time has come and gone. To the Axl Rose of the 1980s and early 1990s, I salute you. To the haggard, obese, aging man barely able to cross one side of a concert stage to another, I beg you to hang up your microphone and retire with what little dignity you have left, or it’s gonna bring you down. Hurl!

Jaclyn Smith – Wonderful Woman with Wooden, Woeful Acting

Jaclyn Smith was my favorite television actress by the end of the television sitcom Charlie’s Angels, mostly because as a young teenager, a number of friends told me how much I resembled her.  I’ll take it. I remember Jaclyn enjoying unrelenting publicity after the series ended: you couldn’t turn a corner without running into a magazine rack filled with magazines with her gorgeous face on it. She dominated television commercials and reigned as the made-for-television actress in movies and miniseries alike. Everyone who knew of her was well aware of her trademark beauty: a super-slim physique and thick, curly, shoulder-length, dark hair. Let’s be clear about one thing: insofar as television actresses go, I really do like Jaclyn Smith. I just loathe her acting, Now in her late 60s, she’s still stunning and classy. I just hope people keep telling me I look like her when I’m 67 (somehow I doubt it). Some things about her don’t, and shouldn’t, change.

Charlie’s Angels
Jaclyn is best known as the brilliant and glamorous Kelly Garret in Charlie’s Angels. She was the brunette who strutted her perfect stuff in a white bikini whenever she had the chance. The series formally debuted on September 22, 1976, and ran for five seasons. The show became a smash success not only in the U.S. but, worldwide, spawning several products, including bubble gum cards (I must admit, I collected those, although I was a Farrah fan then),  fashion dolls, numerous posters (yep, Farrah again), puzzles, and school supplies.

Background and TV films
When Jaclyn was young, she left home and moved to New York City with hopes of dancing with the ballet. Brave girl. Her career aspirations shifted to modeling and acting as she found work in television commercials and print ads. Wow, tough having such limited choices. She landed a job as a “Breck girl” in 1971, and a few years later joined Farrah Fawcett, as a spokesmodel for Wella Balsam shampoo, Max Factor mascara and their Epris perfume. Her first TV role was the CBS-TV movie of the week, Escape from Bogen County in 1977. Then came a leading role in Joyce Haber’s The Users with Tony Curtis and John Forsythe in 1978. In 1980, Jaclyn starred with Robert Mitchum in the suspense thriller Nightkill. She starred in the title role of the critically acclaimed television movie Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy, earning her a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress. In 1983, Jaclyn starred as Jennifer Parker in the TV movie Rage of Angels, based on the novel by Sidney Sheldon. Gotta say: that was one boring film. And Jaclyn is one boring, wooden actress. Beautiful, yes; successful, no doubt; but wooden and emotionless. Yet, the film was the highest rated in the Nielsen ratings the week it aired. She reprised the role in the 1986 sequel, Rage of Angels: The Story Continues. 

The 1985 film Deja Vu isn’t any better. In it, she attempts a number of dramatic scenes playing as a murderous sociopath, but somehow it becomes comical, especially with the repetitive plot development. Her acting is so, um,. so-so, hence the reason I can’t help but describe her acting as wooden. She never changes characters in any of her films. She’s Jaclyn Smith from one film to the next as proven by her limited acting ability. Okay, so it works for her, but that doesn’t make for great performances or dazzling talent. 

Jaclyn appeared in a number of television movies during the 1980s and 1990s including George Washington, The Night They Saved Christmas (both 1984), Florence Nightingale (1985), Windmills of the Gods (1988) – another TV film based on a Sidney Sheldon novel, The Bourne Identity (also 1988); adapted from author Robert Ludlum’s novel of the same name; Settle the Score (1989), Lies Before Kisses, The Rape of Dr. Willis (both 1991), and several TV versions of  novels, Danielle Steel movies including Kaleidoscope (1990) and Family Album (1994). In 1989, she played the title role in Christine Cromwell, a mystery television series which lasted one season. That same year, she received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

As impressive as that is, I can’t help but comment on the totally vanilla roles Jaclyn Smith always plays, and all within typical middle-upper class lifestyles. Perhaps in the early 1980s, a beautiful white woman with a television past like Jaclyn’s, experienced significant difficulty in transitioning to less stereotypical roles into something more controversial. However, it could be done: Farrah Fawcett for instance, starred as a lower class woman brutalized by her abusive husband in The Burning Bed, a disturbing movie based on a true story. She also starred in Extremities, a film about a single career woman who is raped and enacts her own revenge against her rapist. In 1989  Farrah depicted the pathological Diane Downs, in the film Small Sacrifices, also based on a true story. The original non-fiction was documented by Ann Rule, a renowned true crime writer. True, these weren’t films that immersed Farrah in a multicultural climate, however, her foray into roles about sexual and physical assault, and those involving people living in poverty, were stunning accomplishments. As a former Angel, Jaclyn has yet to parallel this success in both her quality of acting and choice of roles.

In August 2006, Jaclyn reunited with her angels co-stars Farrah Fawcett and Kate Jackson at the 58th Primetime Emmy awards in tribute to producer Aaron Spelling (former husband of another beautiful brunette television star, Carolyn Jones), who died earlier that year. Her appearance led Bravo TV’s producers to cast Jaclyn as the celebrity host of Bravo’s weekly competitive reality series, Shear Genius which began airing in March 2007. Smith hosted the show for its first two seasons. The whole premise was stupid, and, like all “reality” competitive sitcoms, a knock-off of the Project Catwalk concept. This one was haircuts. Genius? I think not. Jaclyn herself could have used a new hairdo on the show: she’d dyed her hair an unflattering dark golden-blonde, and wore it in a style reminiscent of a 1970s shag. Ouch.

In 1985, Jaclyn entered the business world with the introduction of her collection of women’s apparel for Kmart. She pioneered the concept of celebrities developing their own brands rather than merely endorsing others, and doing so for the middle-class woman on a budget.  The clothes were pretty nice, actually, and because they were distributed through Kmart, reasonably priced. A season 15 episode of The Simpsons (“The Fat and the Furriest” – a spoof on “The Fast and the Furious” ) lampooned Jaclyn’s many business successes, portraying her as having her own line of axe heads. A sense of business, and a sense of humor. Can’t beat it.

Like many glamorous and seriously famous celebs, Jaclyn has been married several times:

1. Actor Roger Davis (1968)
2. Actor Dennis Cole, who appeared on Charlie’s Angels in 1977 and 1978. Jaclyn maintained a relationship with Joe Cole, Cole’s son from a previous marriage, after her divorce from his father. Sadly Joe was murdered in 1991 during a robbery; the case remains unsolved.
3. Filmmaker Tony Richmond in 1981, with whom she had two children, Gaston and Spencer Margaret.
4. Houston cardiothoracic surgeon Brad Allen since 1997.

Jaclyn battled breast cancer in 2003. In 2006, Jaclyn, Farrah and Kate were reunited for the 2006 Emmy Awards.  2010, she was featured in 1 a Minute, a documentary about breast cancer, her best television role to date. Probably because her role is based very much on a true story.

 

Pee-wee’s Peewee – Icky Icon from Yesteryear

celeb: Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman)
occupation: singer, actor, pervert

And you thought this blog was bad before, wait until you read this nugget!  (And now that I have your attention)…..  Hollywood, that land of tinsel and turds, has sown some interesting characters in its day and none as stomach-turning as some of its child actors, or children’s’ actors (the distinction being the former was an actual star and the latter either voicing a character, or portraying a character, rather than being an icon themselves).  Clear as mud, right? We’ve explored a few child actor losers, including Danny Bonnaduce and Brooke Shields for example, (have to keep rubbing that one in as I love the reaction it gets). Here’s another one to add to that golden pond.

Pee-wee Herman – remember that pervert?  Paul Reubens, the actor, and his character Pee-wee, were creepy enough as it was, but then the bozo had to go and get caught for pulling Pee-wee’s peewee-sized peewee in an adult movie theatre (why do they call it “adult” when the behaviour is anything but?).  The film  Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, directed by a young Tim Burton (love that man – and Johnny Depp – helluva pair)  hit the screens in 1985, and, love this irony, “toned down the adult innuendo for the appeal of children.“ Too bad Reubens didn’t keep that in mind when he took his pee-wee on his X-rated Adventure. Speaking of Johnny Depp,  in 2006, when discussing a third Pee-wee film, Reubens said that he would cast Johnny Depp if needed. He claimed that he spoke to Depp himself and that the actor asked for time to think about it (that’s polite talk for “I really don’t want to be associated with a kiddie performer who whacks himself in a porn theatre”).

Adventure didn’t do too well commercially, but to its credit, it became a cult flick. In spite of the “toning down”, sexual innuendo in Pee-wee’s television series was still apparent, particularly between the Cowboy Curtis and Miss Yvonne characters. Reubens portrays Pee-wee as though he is a stand-up comedian and is playing himself in his films and TV series. A star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was awarded to Pee-wee Herman rather than Paul Reubens (how long is that freaken sidewalk anyway?). In both Pee-wee’s Big Adventure and Pee-wee’s Playhouse, he surrounds himself with strange inventions. Big Top Pee-wee depicts him as a farmer/inventor. David Letterman said, “What makes me laugh…is that it has the external structure of a bratty little precocious kid, but you know it’s being controlled by the incubus — the manifestation of evil itself”.  In folklore, an incubus (its female counterpart being a succubus), is a demon, appearing in people’s nightmares, and sitting on the dreamer’s chest whilst attempting sexual intercourse.  The weight of the incubus, and the sex act, causes deterioration to the dreamer’s health and eventually death. There is something sickeningly appropriate about the little demon and the little pervert Pee-wee Herman. Eventually Reubens generously stated it was his appearances on David Letterman’s show that made Pee-wee a star.

At the start of Pee-wee’s career, Paul Reubens auditioned for Saturday Night Live for the 1980-1981 season but was not accepted into the cast.  However all was not lost: Pee-wee hosted the 198th episode of Saturday Night Live on November 23, 1985.  After the SNL rejection, he started a stage show with the Herman character, and made his first appearance in the 1980 film Cheech & Chong’s Next Movie. He first played a rude receptionist in the film, spewing obscenities at police and being arrested…this, kiddies, is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. 1988 saw the release of  Pee-wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special. The program included various celebrity guests, including Oprah Winfrey, Cher, Whoopi Goldberg, Little Richard, and Joan Rivers (Rivers herself being another caricature entirely).

That’s where it gets tawdry. 1991 was the year that Reubens was arrested in Sarasota, Florida for masturbating publicly in an adult theater. Reubens was cited for indecent exposure.The arrest was widely covered and both the character Pee-wee and Reubens became the subject of ridicule. CBS stopped airing Playhouse and Disney-MGM Studios suspended from its studio tour a video that featured Pee-wee. Toys-R-Us removed Pee-wee toys from its stores. Despite the negative publicity, many artists who knew Reubens, such as Cyndi Lauper and Zsa Zsa Gabor, (that’s no surprise – didn’t she belt a cop?), spoke out in his support.Bill Cosby defended Reubens, saying “Whatever (Reubens has) done, this is being blown (true, that) all out of proportion“. A shocker for Cosby, who is supposedly all things children and decency.

I would disagree with Cosby.  The greatest harm here is not necessarily that Pee-wee is a pervert. This is Hollywood, after all.  It is that Reubens was a children’s performer and an icky icon to many tykes.  His lewd sexual act was odious considering Pee-wee’s targeted television audience. The public however appeared to sympathize with Reubens — the TV newsmagazine A Current Affair received “tens of thousands” of responses to a telephone survey supporting Reubens with a nine-to-one majority. That just proves even the majority can be grossly incorrect in its judgment of character. He remained in a state of shock for weeks, and was haunted by the arrest for several years, refusing to give interviews or appear on talk shows. According to a 1991 Rolling Stone article he stated he had become weary of the character and wanted to explore new territory (I thought he already had). in 1999 in one of his very first interviews not as Pee-wee. It was also on that interview that Reubens announced plans in 1999 to start writing a new Pee-wee movie, in spite of his interview with RS.

On January 15, 2011, Reubens appeared on Saturday Night Live yet again as, surprise, Pee-wee, depicting Andy Samberg and Pee-wee getting drunk, taking a ride on a mechanical bull, and ambushing Anderson Cooper in an alley way with a chair. On February 1, 2012, Reubens appeared as Pee-wee on Bravo’s Top Chef: Texas and served as guest judge. My guess is they made chocolate cupcakes with “hi kiddies, I’ve got a candy for you” scrawled across them in jelly beans. As for the third, aforementioned flick, Reubens hopes will be graced by Depp, Reubens told MTV he hopes to have Justin Bieber make a cameo appearance. In light of Bieber’s recent public behaviors, if Reubens is hoping to make a decent comeback, he might want to re-think that one. He also stated that filming of the movie has not started yet, but hopes to begin filming in the next couple of months. That film will not see the light (uh-oh) of day until at least 2015 due to “delays“, whatever that means.

Years before Reubens wrote his Playhouse  movie script, he wrote an “autobiography” of Pee-wee the character, stating: “It’s basically the story of Pee-wee Herman becoming famous as a singer. He has a hit single and gets brought out to Hollywood to make musical movies, kind of like they did with Elvis. It all kind of goes downhill from there for Pee-wee (you don’t say). He turns into a monster. He does everything wrong and becomes a big jerk (off).” Truth is stranger than fiction after all.

Redemption: His fans seem to welcome him back with open arms…I’ll never figure that one out
Comeback: H for hopefully never

Ahem, Eminem – I’m Frightened Anti-Em

Celeb: Marshall Mathers (Eminem)
Occupation: Rude Rapper

Eminem is another music/rap artist I tend to like in general, or used to like until he screeched to a stop with his CD Recovery – especially the explicit version (I didn’t know he had a non-explicit version). What is it about this dude that he has to slip motherf—ker and f–k,  into his lyrics? His anger, raw and honest, is often expressed in a terribly bleak manner, referring for instance to his mother as a “fuckin’ bitch” in Cleanin’ Out My Closet. Ouch. An artist with true talent shouldn’t have to resort to obscenities in order to keep a following, and he does have talent. He has a great rap voice. His accomplishment as a white rapper who has reached the height of fame he has is undeniably impressive and unprecedented. He said it himself, “I’m the first white singer since Elvis to use black music and make myself wealthy”. Unlike Elvis, his songs get lewder and lewder even as his musical style becomes more sophisticated.  There’s an oxymoron for you – or perhaps, just a moron.

Kids care about Eminem. They model themselves after him – attitude, clothes, and language. Eminem himself admitted to producing a PG version of his music for his daughter Hailie, when she was 7 years old, because the original version was too vulgar for her precious ears. Why not keep that in mind for everyone else’s kids? I often wonder how music artists like Madonna and Eminem justify their images or lyrics to their children. If I was Lourdes, my mother’s videos and concerts would make me cringe. Amazing that their children don’t simply disrespect that significant aspect of their images and lives. That’s where it gets tawdry.  (Well actually what in Eminem’s image hasn’t been tawdry?) Eminem used a blow-up doll as a replica of his ex-wife Kim in obscene and brutal acts, causing her to get into a car accident on the way home from his concert. This is supposed to reflect poorly on her? Great role model for Hailie.

Recovery features emotional content and the theme of the album revolves around his positive changes, anxiety, and emotional drives. It was the best-selling album of 2010 worldwide. Many of the messages in Eminem’s songs are moving and valid. The lead single “Not Afraid”, released on April 29,  was about  “getting sober“ and learning from his past mistakes. During Relapse he admitted he was not “paying attention to what the average listener might like or not like.” In “On Fire” he shows “a murder-and-dismemberment fantasy” with gruesome rhymes. Dude needs to get himself therapy. Like him or hate him (and I don’t, actually), there is no denying that he needs to clean up his act and start growing up and keeping his words clean, alongside his daughter Hailie.

Justin Bieber – Justa Bit of Beliebing in His Own Ego

Celeb: Justin Bieber
Occupation: songwriter, singer, actor, spoiled brat

Alright let’s get one thing straight. I’m neutral where JB is concerned. Justin Bieber is cute. He’s got youth and a decent singing voice on his side. He’s a songwriter and an actor. Multi-talented kid. He became the first artist to have seven songs from a debut record to chart on the Billboard Hot 100.  With a global fan base, termed as Beliebers, he was named by Forbes magazine in 2012 as the third-most powerful celebrity in the world. Cool. And he’s Canadian (Stratford, Ontario). He discovered himself by downloading himself onto Youtube. Straight up! However (and you knew there would be a however), for only a 19-year-old, and only having been in the spotlight for 4 years, (as bright as it is), the little dude certainly has an over-rated opinion of himself and a polite way of rubbing it in people’s faces. It must indeed be a heady thrill to wake up one day and discover everybody wants you, especially when you’re only 16. I give him that. Usher comments that while he and Bieber were both signed at the same age, “I had the chance to ramp up my success, where this has happened to Bieber abruptly.” Perhaps that explains some of the strange contradictions in his behaviour, many of which verge on obscene.

He is the Donny Osmond of the 2000s. His fan base is mind-boggling, and not only international but dare I say almost universal? This kid seems to have it going on although for the life of me, I can’t say why.  His music is the most tinny, tuneless stuff I’ve ever heard. One song runs into the next without much distinction between each of them. He sings like a little girl. In fact the first time I heard one of his songs was on the radio. I actually thought he was a girl. In retrospect, he reminds me of one of those unfortunate choir boys during the Renaissance who were known as castrato, as they were castrated to keep their youthful voices intact. And those ridiculous dance moves? He’s a wuss. I simply do not get his appeal. I suppose that speaks to youth and ambiguity in terms of musical taste. I don’t know of a single Bieber fan over the age of 18 (well not anyone who would admit it). And the attitude dude!  If he’d been in the business for 30 years, fine I could tolerate it.  But he’s a kid and he thinks everyone should kiss his little teenaged butt.  That’s a-no good. Canadians are supposed to be laid-back types….not divas, eh?

His internet critics also have their 2 cents worth, with many remarks commenting on his youthful appearance, his teen-pop songs, his image as a heart-throb to young teenage girls and his manner of speech. Well, that’s no big deal. It’s what makes his money for him. Whatever. In September 2012, Bieber vomited dairy  on stage while performing a concert in Arizona. Gross. He blamed drinking milk for the incident, stating on his Twitter, “Milk was a bad choice.” Good move, buddy. Nothing like slagging a healthy drink for impressionable kids. Perhaps it should have been gin? Or maybe he was expunging some of his own ego?

He said he does not “believe in abortion“ and that it is “like killing a baby.” He stated that pregnancy due to a rape happens for a reason. Someone should duct tape his mouth shut. The whole Share Life thing is very touching, but it’s a little encapsulated from reality for the rest of us and for every woman in the world. He will never have to make that decision if he found himself with an unwanted pregnancy. Perhaps he should keep that one in mind. And one day when he accidentally knocks up a groupie who then tells him she is having his kid, I wonder if he will still be a belieber in the pro-life movement? In the long-term it costs big bucks to be a pro-lifer, kid.

That’s where it gets tawdry. Onto his public mishaps. In March 2011, he was photographed flipping off a a photographer prior to his 17th birthday party; however, he later released a public apology via Twitter. He was photographed performing the same gesture to photographers in November 2011 and November 2012. In March 2013, Bieber had a hissy fit with a photographer in London, which resulted in him being restrained by his own bodyguard. Bieber swore at the photographer, threatening to “fucking beat the fuck“ out of him. Considering the pint-size of our little Bieber, I doubt he could do much damage to said photographer, so no harm, no foul.

Having said that, it’s no secret that the paparazzi taunt celebrities in order to get a reaction. They want that explosive rage, the rants, the shocking behaviour that will sell thousands of photographs and keep them earning big bucks. These are pathetic people. Britney Spears gouging a random reporter’s car with an umbrella is a good example of someone who was driven too far in public, although what the photographer said to her is anyone’s guess. Sean Penn used to lunge at reporters for calling Madonna nasty names (we can only guess). These incidents reflect poorly on the celeb, but this kinda stuff goes with the territory. The more experienced celebs who have never lost it know this and they manage to keep their anger in check. That’s a lesson Justin needs to learn although by the look of things, he’s a long way off from graduating.

Bieber really put his egocentric foot in it in April 2013 during a visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. After learning about the life and times of Anne, who died in a concentration camp aged 15, Bieber wrote in the museum’s guest book “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” He should have been jailed for that one. Bieber also received scrutiny throughout March and April 2013 for walking shirtless (ick) through airport security in Poland and for posting a cartoon of himself in bed with a young belieber (and after that blurb I wrote about being a pro-lifer you were all fired up and ready to contest that he would have sex with a groupie…..).

Through no fault of his own Bieber has been caught in such harrowing television performances as this utter flop, Song for Daddy, so bad it never went to air, for Saturday Night Live. To be sure, a combination of factors (none of which included Justin) made it suck, but damn, just to have been there didn’t help his image.  A piece of the set nearly fell on him but instead of recovering with an impromptu line, Justin muttered, flustered, “it’s not part of it,” and had to be hushed with a “yeah, well just hold on there. The little guy okay? We gonna start over?” by Bill Hader. David Letterman was less subtle during his mocking, yet scathing interview in 2010. Hey, everyone’s life has its shameful moments and its brilliant moments and Justin’s is more brilliant than most. All I’m saying is a little more self-discipline, a little less “it’s all about me“, and JB would have significantly more appeal than, inexplicably, he already does. Just sayin’.

Erin Moran – America’s Little Joanie Cunningham – All Grown Up and A Complete Disgrace

You may remember Erin Moran as little Joanie Cunningham in Happy Days, a very successful sitcom that ran for 10 years on ABC. Now the strange thing is Moran doesn’t technically fit this blog for a couple of reasons:

1. She still works sporadically in TV – her last role was in 2012 in The Deceit as Mrs. Shephard.
2. She is broke.

Last off however, Moran was living in a trailer park after the foreclosure of her home, and looking about 100 years old. A trailer park.  What the heck she did with the considerable money she must have earned during her acting career, no one knows (probably not her either). Her residence in the trailer park with her husband Steven Fleischmann, actually belonged to his mother, That’s where it gets tawdry.  Moran was forced to leave by Fleischmann’s mother after they had a drunken brawl in October this year (probably one among many). Moran went out to bars and came home late (very mature behaviour for a woman of her advanced years), sometimes bringing her bar friends along, and Steve’s mommy couldn’t take it anymore. Oh Joanie, Joanie, Joanie.  Thinking of your Happy Days years, did you see that one coming? Then again, she lived with her parents in the show, set in the 1950s, so why not live with hubby’s parents whilst in her 50’s?

At first the 52-year-old was staying in Indiana hotels after being bounced from the trailer park. Just when you think things are as bad as they can get…more than an acting job, Moran needed an accountant. She’s working on an autobiography, which she hopes will help her settle some debts she has. The actress is still broke despite the fact that she and her “Happy Days” castmates reached a settlement with CBS over licensing revenue in July. The lawsuit asked for $10 million, but the final decision was reportedly a $65,000 payment for four stars, plus future royalties.  Oops.  Fell a little short of that 10 mill. Moran learned nothing from her previous financial blunders: tabloids claim she and her husband have been “blowing through” the payout, partying and staying in different motels in Corydon.

Rumor now has it that Henry Winkler (Arthur Fonzerelli on Happy Days) is busy trying to help salvage her acting career by securing her a role on Arrested Development. Aw, Fonz.  You always were so cool.  However it would appear the Moran’s happy days are long over. In photographs, Moran is seen looking the worst for wear, a cigarette hanging  out of her mouth. Scott Baio, her former co-star on Happy Days and Joanie (spelled Joni) Loves Chachi, who also stars in Arrested Development, says he has better things to  worry about than Moran. ‘I don’t know what her situation is,’ the  actor stated. ‘I have a job to do, I have a wife and child  to take care of. So I don’t pay attention to things that I  don’t know anything about. I’ve got my own situation to deal with.”

Guess Chachi don’t love Joanie anymore.

Comeback: D for in her Dreams
Redemption: Winkler is working hard on that.

Leigh Mccloskey – Dawn Juan-nabe

celeb:  Leigh Mccloskey
occupation:  TV and Film Actor, most notably in the evening soap Dallas

1970s

  

  

  

 

 now

Leigh Mccloskey is still hot (and old) but alas a wash up. He was a popular tv sitcom actor and he made guest appearances in numerous programs during the 70s and 80s. Two of his better known tv movies were Dawn: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway and Alexander: The Othe Side of Eve with Eve Plumb, aka Jan Brady (see my blog Eve Plumb -TV Actor (Jan Brady) and Whiner ). They dealt with (egad)! teen prostitution! Looking at them now they’re pitiful little flicks but they made a big splash in their day.
video: Eve: Portrait of a Teenage Runaway
video: Alexander: The Other Side of Dawn

Between 1980 – 1982 he played Mitch Cooper on the CBS soap opera Dallas. He returned for guest appearances throughout 1985 and 1988. Leigh starred in several soaps including General Hospital, Days of Our Lives, Santa Barbara and the Young and the Restless. Evening shows included Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I think Voyager starred Captain Picard, that cool bald dude whose catch phrase was “make it so.” That means the woman captain was on Deep Space Nine. Didn’t you hate her? She was a lousy captain. Something about Star Trek begs for a male captain, settle down all you feminists out there.
video: Leigh J. Mccloskey Actor Demo Reel
video: Mitch Punches JR!

Leigh was in quite a few films too, as it turns out, including  the 1988 horror film Cameron’s Closet (don’t ask me). He also appeared as Jalor “Jay” Davin in the Buck Rogers in the 25th Century episode “Cruise Ship to the Stars“. Buck Rogers. Remember that tacky show?  Sort of a Star Trek wannabe but more women running around in spandex jumpsuits.
video: trailer Cameron’s Closet

Leight was also a visionary artist (whatever that is), author and teacher. His artwork premiered with the Rolling Stones on their most recent Bigger Bang Tour. Cool. He has written, illustrated and published five books, including Tarot ReVisioned, In the Splendor, Adam Reborn & Eve Restored: A Romance in Two Parts, Codex Tor: Winter Solstice-Part One and his Grimoire that was featured with the Rolling Stones. Sounds like he’s one of those wiccan/wizard types. We must introduce him to Charlie “Merlin” Sheen. Those two should have lots to talk about.
video: Leigh Mccloskey at AGAPE Nov 9 2009

He married some director broad in 1978 and they are still married. Incredible. He deserves a medal just for that.

That’s where it gets tawdry.
What … you’re still waiting?

Redemption
None, really
Comeback
None, really
Comeback Grade:  H for Hogwarts Occasional Supply Teacher