Axl Rose -, Absurd, Awkward, Absolutely Assinine, Awful, XXL Rose

name:  Axl Rose
occupation:  Big Year Blimp and former frontman for GNR I

I saw this picture of Axl Rose on Yahoo tonight that nearly made me chuck my cookies (irony). Axl Rose must weigh in at a hefty 250lbs, easy, and none of it is muscle. I couldn’t believe my eyes. You must understand my shock and horror. I loved this man. He was my

axl-rose-fatidol for 20 years. I was all of 21 when GNR hit the big time with Appetite. The first song I ever heard the band play and Axl (the Angel) sing was Sweet Child O Mine. I was at a nightclub and had just come back from the dead. I’d suffered a wicked bout of mononucleosis and I’d been hospitalized for 8 days. It wasn’t for weeks that I ventured back into the world to party, and a girlfriend of mine and I went to a happening little club when I first heard Axl sing.

I remember thinking “my God! Who has that beautiful voice? And who wrote axl-rose-fat-jokes-i12those angelic lyrics?” I wanted to marry Axl Rose, and that was without seeing him yet – a skinny, pretty-faced boy from Lafayette. I was staggered when someone told me I looked like his wife, Erin Everly. Darn it. If only I’d lived 20,000 miles south, who knows what Might Have Been? Anyway. Have you ever heard a wounded coyote cry? It would appear that Axl has not only eaten all the lard in his pantry in recent months, he has somehow managed to destroy that golden voice. He can’t pitch the notes and he can’t sing them anymore.  At least he can’t disappoint GNR II: they suck. Their sound is acoustic, tinny, pathetic. In concert, they butchered Jungle so as to render it unrecognizable. “It’s gonna bring you down. Ha!” Axl barked and gasped. True that.

Axl is such a sad, wallowing, (fat) shadow of his former self that I can’t bear to reflect on him. When he made his comeback in 2006 or thereabouts, critics then were astonished at axl_rose_fathow he’d changed: definitely heavier, dreadful and  entirely unnecessary plastic surgery on his once-beautiful face, and bizarre, woolen cornrows all combined to make him look like Carrot Tops older, saner brother, rather than the rock icon of the 80‘s. However, over time, his face seemed to settle from that tight, plastic mask into something more realistic and almost handsome, and it was relatively easy to overlook the cornrows when he belted out Welcome to the JungleHe still had the Voice. Now when he has the chance to sit his old self down, and play the piano, Axl’s vocals make me cringe. Speaking of Voice, please Axl, promise me you will never guest star as a judge on The Voice. When you can’t keep up to incoming talent, you really have no business judging and bringing them down.

He huffs and puffs his way through a concert.. He frequently takes a breather between lines and has to pick up several beats behind. Yet thousands upon thousands of fans pack Fat-Axl-Rosestadiums worldwide to see this man!  He entertains a young, new audience now, which is wholly unexpected. Very few stars of yesteryear appeal to the Y generation (as in y would anyone go see GNR II?), but somehow GNR II and Axl have cracked the code. I don’t know how many fans my age from his early, hot years attend his concerts but I suspect the number is few compared to the 20-year-olds. This isn’t due to the current Axl Rose. His ongoing fame is a tribute to the earlier, hotter, talented Axl, who could rip up a stage with his body and voice. He was a serious shit-disturber in his personal life, and unpredictably unstable onstage. Somehow, those antics added a racy edge to his bad-boy image and lured in more and more groupies, fans, and admirers. Now Axl can barely waddle his way around stage. He often stops and leans again an amplifier for leverage while gasping for air. Seriously.

Axl is so god-almighty obese and unhealthy that he walks with a cane when he isn’t onstage. That’s no surprise: he looks unsteady without it onstage and that probably accounts for the amplifier assistance. Of course, when he released the utterly banal AxlRose-StillFat-1Chinese Democracy (no surprise there), everyone knew it was over. He was a wash-up after GNR broke up in the mid-1990s. There was no official announcement. Axl fired band members, or they quietly resigned. Slash hasn’t spoken to Axl since 1996 – seventeen years. Slash stated he and Axl didn’t exchange words. Slash was offered the opportunity to sign a new contract with Axl’s band, GNR II. This was no longer an equal footing, not an eager young band bringing a shared interest to the table. This was all about Axl, take it or leave it. Sensibly, Slash left it.

For reasons known only to himself and his publicist (who should be fired), Axl made his first television interview appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live, in 20 years. He was axlcharming and witty, and dressed in one of his middle-aged Axl get-ups that actually worked 3 years ago when he still had a good bod. When he spoke, his padded cheeks made him slur. Sad.  Yet the audience screamed and whooped for several minutes after he walked onto the set. When Axl took his seat, Kimmel remarked “I’m excited.” In spite of the advancing years, the hefty pounds, the thinning hair, the broken voice, people love him. I’m convinced they simply Use their Illusion and worship the Axl of old (irony). He manages to cloak himself in that invincibility, almost as tightly as the Paddington Bear yellow raincoat he wore in a pitiful effort to hide his weight, during a 2012 concert in Rio. 

Although I used to love him, Axl has always been an audacious, self-centered turd. In the 1990s, when hot Axl and GNR I rocked out, Axl caused a major riot during a Montreal, Canada performance, after he threw down his microphone and walked offstage. A major riot ensued, resulting in $100,000.00 of damages: police cars were overturned, bottles were thrown at buildings, fans assaulted one another. Later in interviews, Axl claimed it wasn’t the band’s fault (certainly wasn’t) but the fans wanted a show, regardless of “technical difficulties” (so it’s the fans’ fault). In reality, Axl the A-hole, felt upstaged when mere minutes before, Metallica, who opened for GNR, had to cancel their show after James Hedfield burned his arm and couldn’t perform. Such was the stunning psychosis of Axl Rose’s ego. He lied to reporters and, being at the peak of his career; nothing could stop that train. Well, almost nothing. At the same time, he’d criticize Kurt Cobain for thinking he was “too good and too cool.” When you’re 20 or 30-something with a gorgeous voice and a kick-ass stage performance, you can do that sort of thing if that’s what does it for you.

Sounds mean? Ask Slash what he thinks of Axl and GNR II when Axl stumbled and fell over his own feet during a concert while placing one foot on an amplifier. He can’t do axethat simple classic Axl move anymore; it throws off his balance. Oh, Ax. Or is it XXL? Still, Axl keeps on waddling and puffing in front of millions of fans because somehow, he still has them. They keep giving him reason to believe that he de man, when clearly, his time has come and gone. To the Axl Rose of the 1980s and early 1990s, I salute you. To the haggard, obese, aging man barely able to cross one side of a concert stage to another, I beg you to hang up your microphone and retire with what little dignity you have left, or it’s gonna bring you down. Hurl!

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25 Responses to Axl Rose -, Absurd, Awkward, Absolutely Assinine, Awful, XXL Rose

  1. my sentiments exactly. I loved hin he was gorgeous and very talented in his early years. but now he has no voice he cant do the songs like he used to. I feel sorry for him but still love him.

  2. Blue-eyed Bernie says:

    C’mon, Lisa… you CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!! 1.) “He’s had bad concerts, but also some extremely good ones.” It’s a well established fact that Axl has a pattern/history of showing up late for concerts, storming off stage, insulting/attacking fans, singing poorly, etc. Even IF there are SOME relatively good performances ‘here and there’ (which you may or may not know from experience), that’s not ‘good enough’ because, as a paying concert goer, you’re basically just tossing the dice on whether you’ll enjoy the performance OR leave disappointed and frustrated, having wasted your time and money. Paying fans deserve MORE than that! 2.) “51 yrs. old”… look at all the musicians above 51 that are way more productive and disciplined and overall superior. 3.) Still has the desire??? Like YOU would know?! Actually, the opposite seems to be the case because Chinese Democracy has been the ONLY thing he’s released (since the Illusion set) in… how long?? Like 17 years or something! If he was full of desire, wouldn’t he have had much more output in all those years than THAT?! (Don’t even mention ‘The Spaghetti Incident’!!! – just a cover album requiring no creativity and little effort. 4.) Chinese Democracy ‘amazing’??? Give me a break!! It received mostly bad reviews, mediocre at best, and I haven’t met ONE listener of the CD that was thrilled by it. At MOST, it was like, “There were two or three pretty good songs on it… but other than that… it sucked! Plus, it looks like he really COULD HAVE created something “amazing” within the span of 17 years!!! Meager quality, meager quantity. 5.) “If you don’t have anything nice to say”… Tell it to Axl; HE’S gotta be one of the top-five rudest rock stars of all time! Plus, that particular motto applies to insulting someone just for the sake/joy of insulting them; NOT to honest, accurate opinions/critiques in the area of the performing arts. 6.) This is regarding your first sentence. Before you rag on Doreen, presumptuously insinuating that she’s not a ‘real fan’ (as YOU apparently imagine yourself to be)… read again her last statement: “… but still love him.” I think you owe her an apology!!! I also think you need a reality check!

    • marilyn4ever says:

      True that. I agree with everything you wrote. There is something sad-pathetic-inspiring about this man. It’s just too bad that it’s all over.

  3. Sarah says:

    I liked Chinese Democracy. The problem is there was so much hype that it was a disappointment by comparison. I think if any other band put out that album it would have done well. As for the new and old Axl. The man had talent – he had an incredible voice and could compose incredible music. The man can still spit out a good song. Some great names in the business say he has been holding on to some of his best work and has so many songs he could have a few albums of good stuff. Axl is complicated – and Axl is somewhat suspicious. He doesn’t like letting people in and he takes his time to get to where people want him to as well all know…showing up on stage, spitting out albums he could have put out, having uncomfortable conversations that he refuses to have to date but should. This guy had a complicated upbringing and he is deeply wounded. Axl continues to have talent but his voice is not what it was and although it still is good by comparison to other people it comes off as terrible because he can’t physically keep up. He can’t breath and he can’t carry on. Breathing and lung power is just as important to his performance as chord strength. He still, contrary to popular belief, can put out a good show when he is feeling okay. The probably is you rarely feel okay when you are so out of shape. As for his looks, I couldn’t care less. Elton John can still sing and play piano like a fiend and Mike looks terrible but he can still put on a show. If his weight didn’t negatively impact his performance it wouldn’t matter. Some artists, like John Popper, don’t have the range so they can sing well even heavy. Axl really mastered his voice and has to strain it and carry notes for so long – it just couldn’t work for him. I hope some day to see Axl performing at a piano, as a healthier version of who he is today, with more insight and less arrogance, putting out those songs that so many artists want to get their hands on – it would be like listening to music’s holy grail. I agree with you that he isn’t what he was but \I also disagree that he is incapable of being better, more refined, or a stronger artist. Unfortunately Axl really needs to work on his mental state if he is ever to manage pulling that off. I don’t want the man to retire – I want to see a great songwriter reinvent himself and let go of that 20 something he used to be. The thing I disagree the most about your article is that you place a lot of importance on his looks and that is unfortunate. Rock and roll is about the ugly and raw and injured and Axl is all those things when he looks fitter or bigger. It is how you opt to perceive who he is and perhaps his issues, as was the case with Eminem, are about as real as you can get and make an artist seem more honest. Just my very long two cents.

    • marilyn4ever says:

      Well thank you for reading and responding. I think you nailed it with “less arrogance” when referring to Rose. The man is bipolar so that also accounts for his rages and odd temperament. However, a lot of people have had tough upbringings and have a mental illness or disorder or what have you and aren’t the absolute shadow of a former self and the jackass that Rose has turned into. And looks are important. We can’t say they aren’t. I mean he is so bloated he has to walk with a cane. He is only 50! What’s with that? If you cannot respect your own health and take pride in your appearance maybe you don’t belong onstage. His “singing” is so awful too. He has to shriek to hit higher notes and he is constantly winded. What a complete disappointment compared to his earlier years. However you are entitled to your opinion. Thanks for writing.

      • Paine44 says:

        Osteoarthritis can be a disabling condition requiring a cane and causing weight gain because movement is so painful. It’s a downward spiral and not at all about your superficial judgement. Come the day you turn 50, please update us on how well you retained all the health, stamina and looks you had at 20.

    • helthnut says:

      To quote Eminem – my two cents is free.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Perfect!

  5. Jat Nuyt says:

    You guys aren’t nice. Especially the writer. Axl created something beautiful in his youth. To Magnify the effects of age and other probable psychological issues is unkind and unnecessary. If he had done something to actually deserve chastization I would understand. It sounds like you are in grade school picking on someone who can’t defend himself. That usually stems from low confidence and the need to stroke your own ego. He created something beautiful everyone loved. Now he has to work out his own inner demons. Most geniuses are plagued by something. Let him evolve with out 2nd grade intolerance.

    • marilyn4ever says:

      working out one’s inner demons shouldn’t include beating up girlfriends, a criminal charge for incite to riot and biting a security guard on the leg. Perhaps you are more tolerant than me and my “2nd grade intolerance.”

      • Paine44 says:

        But that’s not what you wrote about is it? No you wrote about weight, looks, age, and disability, like the childish brat you are. Don’t engage in post hoc self defense now that it’s his moral character you object to! LOL. The hypocrisy!

    • Anonymous says:

      I agree. I love axl rose then and now. He is amazing to me. If you dont like him dont listen. I will.

    • Paine44 says:

      Amen.

  6. Axl, could still resurrect his career if he got the old band together, and worked on his fitness. I mean his not that old. Just look at the rolling stones. many entertainers have performed well into their 50s at a high standard. But he needs to change track.

  7. RR says:

    Like him or hate him and his changes some-but still rockin’ and is still makin’ unbelievable money-

  8. Misko says:

    Realy… who care how he look like. But voice,that is a problem. He lost his voice and energy to sing.What he do now is only take money to some 20-25 yo kids. And that’s it. Look ac/dc, rolling stones, deep purple… They all don’t have same voice,but have energy to sing at the stage. Specialy ac/dc. They are all much older. Last good concert is 2006 in rock m ring arena in Berlin. I was there. Funtastic. Afther this…
    everything is very,very bad. I am so sory because of this. One of greatest rock band ever, but when somebody is crazy… sad.

  9. marilyn4ever says:

    I can’t say there is anything mature about Axl’s supposed aging. Who doesn’t want old GNR? They were the talented band.

  10. Axl Fan says:

    Wow. What a mean article. As a fan, I’m happy he’s putting in an effort. It wouldn’t be realistic to expect Axl to perform like he did 25 – 30 years ago.
    The only reason I read your article was because I’m trying to find out why he’s walking with a cane.

    • helthnut says:

      Now you know. His morbid obesity.

      • Paine44 says:

        Really? You his do? Ever heard of arthritis? Live long enough and you will. For some it’s congenital. Many entertainers develop it due to work related injuries. But you just keep up all that judgement byatch.

  11. tangella says:

    I loved axl back in the day and still do now. yes he is older I think 53 now. he was at one time hot but even with the weight gain and shorter hair I think all he has to do is lose the weight and maybe grow his hair a little longer he would look much better and feel much better. no his voice is not what it used to be but it still is good. I don’t expect him to look the way he looked when he was in his 20″s and early to mid 30″s and maybe he doesn’t care how he looks axl rose does what he wants when he wants yes he is older and has some wait on him but that”s axl. Hopefully there will be a guns n’ roses reunion now that axl and slash are talking again.

    • helthnut says:

      The rumour that Axl and Slash are talking again has persisted for over a decade. Don’t expect a guns n roses reunion anytime soon. p.s. wait in your context is spelled weight.

  12. Mike says:

    I just saw a picture of him which made me search him out and find your article. I used to love him too but he is just too much of a big mouth now.. Too much food, drugs, etc.

  13. Disgraceful journalism who feels its ok to body shame and age shame people. He’s getting older. Leave him alone. No one looks like they did 20 odd years ago and i;m sure neither do you.

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