Celeb: Shelley Long
Occupation: Actress, most notably in the sitcom Cheers
Hello crow’s feet, goodbye career. Shelley Long is arguably the unsexiest and least talented actress in the history of tv. She places a close second for least attractive actress behind Rosie Perez. How these women became movie stars I will never know. Anyhoo. Shelley’s career on television began with her role as Ted Danson‘s love interest, Diane Chambers, on Cheers. However her first notable tv role came in the 1979 movie The Cracker Factory, with Natalie Wood. Talk about an odd couple. In spite of her blatant lack of talent, Shelley already appeared in feature films before accepting the role of Diane. She starred as Belinda in Ron Howard’s comedy Night Shift(co-starring Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton), about working at a city morgue. The sitcom began its first season with poor ratings, but during the second season it became increasingly popular, maintaining an 11 year run. She starred in several comedies, such as The Money Pit starring Tom Hanks, and Outrageous Fortune with Bette Midler. Just goes to show what we’ve suspected all along: the Academy really doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing. To see The Money Pit trailer click here.
To see Shelley in a scene with Bette Midler click here.
Shelley left Cheers in 1987 after starring as Diane for five seasons. In later documentaries about the show Ted Danson stated that Shelley “was a lot more like her character Diane than she cared to admit,” in other wordsan anal retentive shrew. Both cast and crew members claimed Shelley was difficult on to work with and that she was constantly in conflict with everyone. A costar said ‘it wasn’t Shelley versus Ted, it wasn’t Shelley versus the cast, it wasn’t Shelley versus the crew, it was Shelley versus everyone.’ Listen, I can forgive untalented and beautiful but untalented, unsexy, an attitude, and a shrieky, whiny voice that grates on my nerves is just too much to overlook. I suspect Shelley didn’t voluntarily resign; this was forced resignation and rightly so. To see Shelley Long in Cheers, Power Play – Part 1 click here.
Still, she managed to bag some impressive roles. In 1992, she appeared in Fatal Memories: The Eileen Franklin Story, a fact-based television drama about a woman who was raped by her father in childhood. Along a similar vein, Shelley starred in Voices Within: The Lives of Truddi Chase, a film loosely based on Truddi’s autobiography, When Rabbit Howls, about multiple personality disorder. Shelley was crap in both roles. To see Shelley in Night Shift click here.
In the late 1980s Shelley destroyed the Academy Awards by attempting to sing and dance around a mockup of an airplane. Her performance occurred around the time that Saddam Hussein destroyed a Korean airplane he claimed was flying in Iraq’s air space. After Shelley’s painful Academy performance, critics quipped that if Hussein was looking for a plane to take out, “he should have shot that one.” Amen, brotha. To see Shelley in Troop Beverly Hills pt 1/10 click here.
Shelley nabbed the role of Carol Brady in the 1995 hit film The Brady Bunch Movie. She certainly had the look and the attitude but that shrieky, whiny voice… Finally Shelley’s acting career took its inevitable nosedive. She managed to nab a few parts in various forgettable flicks and tv sitcoms but she would never again experience the success of her earlier work. It wasn’t long after that Shelley dropped out of sight. Thank you lord. To see the introduction to The Brady Bunch Movie (1995) click here.
That’s where it gets tawdry.
In November 2004, Ms Long was rushed to the hospital with an overdose of painkillers. Seriously. The anal retentive Shelley was a junkie. Who knew?
Please God, no.
Comeback Grade: Y for you can’t have a comeback when you had no talent in the first place.
Shelley’s Facebook Fans: 242 – all time washed up record